Category: Parent Talk
Hi all,
Well, ive been think & just kinda in a don't know what else to do position. I need sugguestion, ideas, advice or something..
I live in Austin, Tx & my fam lives in Houston, Tx. I take my son to visit them every few months. We stay for about 4days. But now theres just too much going on & i want to stop visiting them.
Heres whats been going on...
My dad passed away on Jan 3rd of this year. Everyone has gone there own way with their lives. It seemed that they were being selfish, careless & sort of cut us out of the family.My moms house got demolish in Febuary so she & my younger 4 siblings are stayin at my sisters 2 bedroom apt. That same sister is currently with a new bf so she & her 3 kids don't sleep at the apt, they stay at her bfs place. So when i visit instead of me renting a motel down the street from my sisters apt my mom wants me to stay with them at the apt. Me & my mom never really got along, but that kind of changed when my dad passed, at least thats what i thought. Well, shes now mad at me because i didnt want to visit them this weekend. I choose not to go because my sister seems to have a problem with it, but wont admit it. The last 2 times i was there she said, "Why did you come for?" She already knew & knew before hand. I told her she needed to grow the fuck up & get her shit straight. Of course my mom was the one who started that & sits there & wants us to work it out. So a few days ago i told her i would go, but not staying there cause i don't want no drama. My sister calls to say i can stay she doesnt care & again i tell her im not going. They made it a big deal. My mom calls me practically crying cause she "wants" me to come, but she doesn't understand that all this drama would no happen if she stayed out of it & twist words around. Yes, i know she wants to see her grandchild, but not while all this is going on. Why would i want my son around all the arguing, madness & all this negative stuff. I feel its best if we just stayed away. Im not doing it for me, its whats best for my son. He loves being around family, but i just don't want him to go thru this because i know how my mom is & how she gets. She has taken my 3 sisters away from me, we use to be able to talk & tell each other things & now we just say hi. I just don't understand why she has treated me the way she has. And now that im happy its like she tries to take that away from me. Mind you she wanted me to abort my son because i wasnt married & it would "look bad" for her side of the family, she even told me she would give me one thousand dollars if i told her i would abort. Just cause im not ready for marriage didnt even i wasnt ready to be a mom. I will never have that mother daughter bond liked i wish i would when i was a little girl. Im done trying, im done pretending everything is ok...
But would yall say thats selfish of me? Or protecting my son from everything he sees & hears? Is it wrong to just lose contact with my family just like they are doing to me? Am i really wrong for wanting no drama or negative people around my son?
no, you aren't wrong at all. don't doubt yourself; from the sounds of things, you're doing what's wright.
I've had to do stuff like this for the sake of my children. It's hurtfv it's not pretty. But your son is top priority here,even above your own feelings. His happinessand well-being are what's important here. If this isn't somethingyou can easily work out, then maybe it's best to cut them loose for awhile, maybe not permanently as you probably want him to be apart of their lives sometimes. Maybe just make it a Christmas/Thanksgivingtrip. I imagine all the time, effort and money put in isn't really worth it, especially with all the fussin' that goes on. Your boy won't remember them; he'll only feel the strain and negativity that goes on. HTH.
I say if it's going to be chaotic and unhappy, avoid it. I'm going thru something similar. My mom and I have a toxic relationship; I see nothing even remotely amusing about a domineering woman who doesn't respect others' boundaries. What you said about "look bad for her side of the family" sounds exactly like my mom. I've been an adult since the '80's, and she wants her way, always had snide remarks about everything from my husband to the way I dress. I asked her to refrain from the every other day shipments of stuff for my daughter, and she just kept on doing the same until I had to ask 3 times. I wish my dad would stop being such a wimp hiding behind her. He spends time with his elderly mother; my SIL talked about wanting to come up here & see us, couldn't do that but found the funds to visit her mother...bringing her 2 adult daughters with her, and supposedly doesn't have much money...overseas; and I don't want my daughter to learn that my mother/daughter relationship is normal, because it isn't, so I have very little contact with them.
I wouldn't rule out ever seeing 'em again. Can family come visit you instead? Sounds like a lot of people in a two room apartment, and that in and of itself could cause tension. But personally I would put any further attempts of a relationship on hold. I don't know how old your son is, but he doesn't need to be surrounded by squabbles and chaos, at least not on a constant basis.
Thank yall very much!! Ive been sitting thinkin i might be wrong & my mom might be right, but then again i realized it couldnt possibly be.
She doesn't think im thinkin about my son. When i had to go through bullshit as i was a child & she hasnt changed. Yes shes around her family (her sisters, brother, aunts uncles) she is nice & acts like she cares, but behind close doors she is this angry bitter person. When she disagrees with us (her kids) she always say: I know im not the perfect mom, ive done the best i can with yall, i love all my kids the same, yall might hate me, but remember i am yall only mom. I get so sick & tired of hearing those word!!! She will sayin at least 4 times when she "tries" to make things right. I personally don't think she loves us the same.
She tried to get me caught up with CPS for no reason. She tried to run my life even after having my son. She tries to do things as she did with us to MY son. Hes MY son, he came out of ME. She has no sayin in how i raise him or anything. She doesnt do that to my other 2 sisters kid, i only mine. My dad used to tell me not to listen to her when she would talk shit to me. He would be there to tell her to calm down & leave me alone. Its like she knows how & what to say to piss me off. Im not 15 yrs old, i know how to care for my son. Im not trying to bring him up the way my mom did to us. She is the only grandparent my son has. My bfs parents passed away so i thought maybe my moms ways would change for the sake of my son. Nothings changed & he will see for himself how she is.
My siblings wont come see me. The only one that would is my brother who lives in Killen, TX with his wife & kids. My bfs sisters live in Marble falls & they come see my son. So that is nice. When i do go see my famiilly i like to go see my great grandmother as well since she is old & she loves seeing my son. Shes happy to see us & i love seeing her too.
I guess i can just rent a motel for 2-3days if i decide to go visit. If she wants to see her grandson she can, but she will have to come there minus her drama. I will cut them off for awhile. Its not like they ever call me to see how im doing or txt me. I don't think they really care. But im fine with that cause as long as i know im taking care of my son & doing what best for him then all is good.
My son will have a way better life then what i did. He will keep being one happy baby & continue to give him the uncondional love that i never had. He means everything to me & i will keep him away from all the bad. (: